On Fucky Putty and the Heller, More Helly Hell than the Standard Hell of Regular Hellishness

So as far as we can tell, the fucky putty has probably been around for a few months at least. Matt McDinklage over there said it took him and Adam ages to work out interdimensional travel. I'm probably basically garbage to him because he's hopping dimensions and being a brilliant world-saving math nerd at 14 whereas most mornings, my highest 38-year-old aspiration is to make it to that evening on the correct side of the dirt, ideally with my digits intact and my judgment somewhat chemically impaired.
 
He said the fucky putty would've shown up wherever I was on the days and nights and twilights and bleary-eyed inebriated times of approximately March 15 (beware the Ides I guess) to juuuust about now, and oh, wouldn't it be ever-so-great if it was in your pocket right now, that would solve everything and I can go home.
 
Like setting up an appointment with Comcast in Hell. Well, like a... Heller (more Helly?) Hell than the standard Hell of regular Hellishness which Comcast routinely makes this realm.
 
The fucky putty is not in my pocket, because of course it's not, but having washed my clothes and discovered collections of guitar picks and random detritus in the dryer several times in the last nearly half year, I'm kind of fucking terrified it's in the water supply.
 
Then again, we've all been swimming in Chattanooga Creek, which glows at night and makes Geiger counters sound like st-st-stuttering t-t-t-t-tom-tommy guns, on purpose. Growing up, it was probably about 87% toxic industrial waste, 5% miscellaneous corpse bits, and then water, piss, and a handful of unfortunate crawdads and minnows. I'd wager the whole system in the 90s and early aughts was probably at least 60 proof. But hey, summers are hot in the valley and we gotta cool off.
 
No for real though, if he's right about this stuff and it's in the water supply, I'm legit worried.
 
And I know I can't hit him. He's a kid. But what if I paid another kid to hit him? Like a.... Like GoT, having a champion fight for you. "Want five bucks, kid? Go kick my ass! It's over there, attached to that kid."
 
Anyway. My partner and kids are coming back soon. I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

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