Fucky Putty Bodies and Lizzy's Allowance Bump

Bo and Other Matt have been researching and they found some recent news articles (despite Chattanooga Times Free Press's ludicrous paywall) with local bizarre deaths they suspect is related to the Fucky Putty.

 

I feel a little left out not being there, but on the other hand, I'd probably just get a bunch of thumb tacks and red string and drive myself crazy. Er. Crazier. Yeah.

 

 

Also the tank's empty in the Mattnessmobile and I don't get paid for two days to put more in, so I don't have a way to get there anyway for the moment. Sometimes I wish I could feed the car apples, like a horse. I also think it'd be funny to take a horse in for emissions testing, if only to watch some government lackey try to work out how to use the measuring apparatus on a steaming pile of horseshit briquettes.

I digress. Sorry. Horseshit tends to make me do that. Anyway, here's a breakdown of the stories they found.

 

1. July 18, 7th Avenue in East Lake. The body (such as it was) of a 27-year-old man was discovered near the railroad tracks that run along the street. The coroner reported the body was "in a state of structural inversion," which in English, I think, means "this poor bastard was somehow turned inside out." I don't recommend reading the rest of the report unless you're interested in seeing your lunch again, but apparently when the coroner attempted to move the body, it exploded. DNA testing revealed this was Brandon Driver of Dalton, Georgia. His wife said he was 'visiting a friend,' but I know that friend and I suspect Brandon was trying to procure some substances. I'ma have a talk with that "friend" just as soon as I can tolerate the thought of talking with that guy for more than a handful of milliseconds.

 

2. July 28, Chickamauga Avenue at a long-abandoned and fire-ravaged shop near Family Dollar. An unhoused 32-year-old man was found, but only provable as a human after DNA testing. His identity has still not been released, because the police are still trying to locate family (well, inasmuch as the police try to do anything). Coroner report indicated the "body was liquified almost entirely, with traces of bone, skin, and nails or hair [keratin, but source inconclusive] adhered to the walls of the structure by dried viscera," which again translates to English as "and THIS dude was spread all over the walls like jelly on toast."

 

3. August 4, Frazier Avenue by the river. On the back deck of Clumpies Ice Cream Co. (the truly amazing and dope-as-hell ice cream shop), 26-year-old Kelly Flores and her friends were throwing down on ice cream and making TikToks when Kelly exploded. TikTok removed the video her friend uploaded, presumably while alternating "We at TikTok are sorry for the loss and sudden bizarre explosion of your friend" and "What the hell were you thinking?! This can't stay on our platform"s. The coroner simply reported "Ms. Flores appears to have exploded," and at this point I think I'm sensing an increasing dread and resignation in the coroner's reports. Thankfully, this one doesn't require a translation. I hope that our coroner has several industrial-sized cases of their favorite beer.

 

I'll probably research a bit myself after posting this. It'd be helpful if we could see where this originated and where it's going. It looks like even if it's not the Fucky Putty, *something* is blowing up people around here and it's not the usual firearms and meth labs.

 

I know Mini-Matt won't like it (and I also don't like it), but I'd like to see if we can get enough....... well, source material, I guess, for a lab jockey to run any kind of toxicology tests on any of the samples the coroner may still have, so we might have to work with local authorities and/or a handful of them in Nashville, which I'm not very excited about. I'd honestly rather sit on a running chainsaw junk-first, but if we can do anything to help prevent anyone else from exploding or .... I guess turning inside out and THEN exploding, it's just the right thing to do.

 

In less exciting news, Lizzie didn't get any Bubba calls or anything, but she did get to practice cussing out a scammer. When Shitty Kitty pays me (you can call it "Food Lion" if you want, but you and I both know you don't want to), her allowance is going up five bucks just because I got to hear her say, with a straight face, the following:

 

"Juuuust kidding! Leave a message after the beep!"

 

Then she waited about 5 seconds and blasted an air horn into the phone.

 

I am so proud. Amazing hiring decision on my part. It's wonderful seeing my daughter's professional development really take off.