Intro - Matt Jeffries

Matt Jeffries here. I'll let my bestie introduce theirownself later on.
 
Been in Blackbottom for Too Many years, but this is still the USA so nowhere else is even remotely affordable and somehow this place still hasn't killed me yet (not for lack of trying). Good to know that when it does, I can still throw stuff around down at the ball field or terrify some crawdads and genetically modified toxic waste-fish in Chattanooga Creek.
 
Sometimes people get a glimpse of the horrific stuff that I can see all the time. So I try to help.
 
Most of the time it's the usual. Pipes banging, tree limbs scratching the window, or that one time Skittles made us drive all the way out to Ringgold 'cause he thought the toilet was haunted but really it was a medical condition and he really, really needed some help from Not Us.
 
I cannot stress enough that if you're bleeding from your ass, I am in no way the person to call. In fact I'd like to be last in (or entirely removed from) the Bleeding Ass Phone Tree.
 
Skittles.... the hell's wrong with you.
 
As much as I want to forget that one.... I never, ever will. Again--hence, the vices. And when it was done, dammit, I was in Ringgold, a city wherein the greatest possible thing about it is getting the hell out.
 
I digress.
 
My bestie and I need money, and some of y'all need to not be haunted anymore. Let's make magic--or at least booze and ouid--happen.
 
Side note -- I'm not good at social media intro posts. Hence, the intro post containing "bleeding from the ass" several times.... hence, the vices.

Popular posts from this blog

Introducing The BBP Blog

Cool, thanks for bein' here! I'll be porting stuff over from the Blue Dopamine Doomscroll Hellscape page and showing a bit of love to our OGs. Don't worry--we'll keep that page but for now, mostly just as a link between y'all and, uh... well, this. In lieu of an actual post, have an ASCII butt: (  )(  )
Read more

An Eyeful of Terrance

Bo checking in. Got called out for a Bigfoot sighting tonight. Normally my answer is, "Wrong forests," but Judy had a blackberry cobbler coming out of the oven, so I figured I'd at least go out for that.   Unfortunately we weren't aware her husband had also gotten into the blackberries and made wine. Then fortified it. Then stripped nekkid and ran around the back forty growling at Lord knows what.   The good news is that I got fresh hot cobbler; the bad news is I also got an eyeful of Terrance. I guess the other good news is that there is no Bigfoot in Hixson tonight (or, you know, any other night).
Read more

Once-Upon-a-Matt

Matt here, checking in.    There's nothing to do here and nowhere to go because everything in Blackbottom is meticulously engineered to incentive poverty and ya boi is broke as shit , so I was walking around because so far, that's free, when I saw a kid in the ditches on 46th Street who looked exactly like Once-Upon-A-Matt.  Seriously, this kid had shoulder-length black hair, an ill-advised wallet chain, and a Lacuna Coil shirt that I'd bet he's going to grow out of around sophomore year of college, if I had two pennies to bet.  I thought maybe it was just an echo. Time repeating itself, like it's failing its own calibration and trying to correct being out of phase. Like that Civil War soldier I got to watch get shot every night in the backyard when I lived in Dawson, Alabama. Or like one of the handfuls of quasidecent explanations of the Mandela Effect.  But I don't remember doing the stuff he was doing.  Now, generally, that's no surprise. As a kid, I pla...
Read more